A world without The Book…hm. It would definitely be a world without Walls, a world without Updates, Likes, or Pages. It’d be a world in which teenage girls could no longer inform everyone of their exact location, mood, and playlist entry. Unless they use MySpace. It’d be a world with considerably fewer CAPTCHAs, a world without convenient photo galleries in which to store your hundreds of cell phone pics and fast food joint snapshots. In other words, a world where perverts and creeps who don’t have MySpace accounts would no longer be able to gaze longingly at your pixelated visage as they make love to a tattered pillow. (Let’s face it: Normal people don’t care about photo galleries; they only need to look at a photo once before getting on with their fucking lives.)
A world without Facebook would be a world in which the art of the talkaround is forever lost. You know, the talkaround: Someone posts a status update; someone replies to the update; a second person replies to the original poster’s update; the original poster replies to the second person, ignoring the first; a conversation ensues between the poster and the second person as if the first never existed. That would be gone forever. Unless you still use MySpace.
A Facebookless world would be a world in which the precious kilobytes wasted on this shitty blog post could be allocated elsewhere. Perhaps at a breast cancer awareness site. It would also be a world where your ex-girlfriend would have to crouch outside your house all day to stalk you (instead of merely combing through your profile looking for clues that you’ve been banging that Xerox machine chick from work on your lunch hour). In a world without Facebook, we’d actually have to face our girlfriends / boyfriends—like, face to face—when we break up with them. Or else we’d just have to go back to using SMS on our cell phones like filthy neophytes from the year 2000. We’d have to send out real, hand-crafted invitations to special events instead of poorly-spelled invites banged out in three minutes from a shitty netbook that’s missing the “r” key. Or we could use our MySpace accounts. Oh, and we’d probably never have the honor of meeting a kid named Facebook. Which is okay, because I’m sure that girl whose parents named her AOL back in 1995 is doing just peachy sixteen years later.
Finally, a world without Facebook would be a world in which MySpace had never died of cancer. RIP, MySpace.