Oh, the new year is so close I can almost taste it. (Coincidentally, I have seasonal synesthesia.) Seeing as how this time of year always gets me thinking in a forwardly manner, here are a few predictions—based mostly on popular sci-fi culture—which I’ll revisit on the eve of that prolific milestone: 2012.
- The human race as we know it will lose all sense of fashion when Spandex becomes mandatory.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger will make news headlines across the country when he is reelected president of the United States after his opponent, Michael Ironside, loses his arms in a freak elevator accident.
- Doomsayers across the globe will be forced to rethink their stance on the end of the world when it’s discovered the Mayan calendar has merely been read upside down.
- Star Trek conventions will be set on red alert when a naked William Shatner is found bound and gagged in a steamer trunk full of stuffed Tribbles.
- The fourth Indiana Jones movie will finally reach post-production.
- Richard C. Hoagland will acquire a batch of high resolution photos debunking the Mars face as “just a bunch of rocks.” He will charge $99.95 for the photo CD.
- After considerable lobbying, the FDA will reverse its position regarding cloned meats, and will instead support widespread adoption of soylent green.
- Michael Jackson will suddenly “ripen.”
- Director Robert Zemeckis and writer Bob Gale will grow increasingly worried about the unfashionable absence of Mr. Fusion, the hoverboard, and the rehydrated pizza.
- Burning Tree Project will finally disband when, upon rehearsing for the first time with drummer #13, the studio will spontaneously combust.
Happy new year, everyone.